I’m the kind of person who feels emotions very deeply, but rarely shows them. It almost always takes me a few days to “sort through” my emotions to figure out exactly what I’m feeling. This time, it was a little more complex.
At the end of July last year, Caleb and I found out we were pregnant then shortly later in August we miscarried. It was difficult then and less difficult now, but it doesn’t mean it’s easy. There were a lot of emotions involved and some that never really go away. It’s a scar that fades, but still leaves a mark. Our pregnancy was a total surprise and I’m still not sure exactly how far along we were, likely 7 or 8 weeks… Enough for full on bloat and plenty of morning sickness. We only knew for a couple of weeks, and I remember one day just not feeling pregnant anymore. I was totally worried about it, so I took a test, waited FOREVER for it to churn out the result, then stared at that digital pee stick as it yelled at me NOT PREGNANT. I was heartbroken. How could a pee stick be so cruel? I felt like it was mocking me. It might as well have been shouting at me with a megaphone directly in my ear, “YOU’RE NOT PREGNANT!” I guess there isn’t a gentle way to say that you’re not having a baby anymore. It stings. A lot.
It all happened so fast, but once that can gets opened, some things can’t be put back into place. It’s the love of a parent, when you know you are responsible for the life of another, there is an unconditional love placed in your heart. It’s an entirely new set of emotions, and you realize you didn’t think you could feel so deeply for someone. I’ve always heard parents say stuff like, “you really don’t know until you have your own kid” and it’s true. While I never got to experience the fullness of it, I got a taste of it. It’s like when I found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and the first thought of losing him was so catastrophically devastating that I almost cried right there on the spot, then I realized… I’ve never loved anyone so deeply, I didn’t KNOW I could love someone so deeply.
Sometimes I felt guilty for feeling so emotional knowing that it’s not that uncommon or plenty of other women have been through the same thing or we weren’t THAT far along or people have suffered a lot worse. It’s funny the role guilt plays and the mind games it put on us. It’s okay to cry and be sad.
Going through this, I knew this wasn’t something that God did. I don’t understand why so many people choose to blame Him for the bad things. He wasn’t “teaching me a lesson” and He didn’t “need another angel in heaven”. Bad things in life just happen. They do. It’s through all of these bad things that we have to recognize that God is good and true and not out to get us. We have to CHOOSE Him.
I very much believe I have a baby in Heaven, and I can’t wait to meet my little baby. A lot of times all I can picture is my baby up in Heaven wondering if I even think about it, there’s that guilt again. I decided to write a letter to my unborn baby as a way to come to terms with it all.
I miss you. A lot. There is no way around it, I miss you. Our time together was cut way too short. When you were with me, I was happy. So happy. Your daddy and I were so scared and excited but we vowed to be the best parents you could have ever asked for because you deserve it. We still try.
Even though its been a year, I think about you often. You would be six months old now. We should be giggling together, strolling through the neighborhood together, crying together and getting up at all hours of the night together. Mostly, we should be together. I hope you know that’s what I wanted, to be with you. When you were gone, I wasn’t relieved, I was devastated. I was ready to conquer the world with you. I miss you.
I feel so guilty that I didn’t give you a name. I didn’t know if you were a boy or girl. I only knew you as my love. Maybe I should have started this out as “Dear Love”. That’s what you were to me, a love I had never felt before. And I don’t know what to do with it since you aren’t here.
Nothing could ever replace you. Even if we had five hundred kids, I could never forget you. There is a piece of my heart that is yours, it will always be yours and nothing tangible or audible can ever fill it. I will never hold your hand, I will never hear your laugh or cry, but I will always love you. Always.
I realize I’m being a bit long winded, but its been a jumble of thoughts and emotions this the past year that I just needed to get out. I can’t pretend like it never happened, because it did. Nothing can change that and I’m sure there are plenty of other women out there who can’t “just forget it” either.
Please remember all of us mamas out there! Just because we don’t have a child in our arms, doesn’t mean we aren’t parents. I wish I could hug each and every person who has ever had to deal with this also. Life is not always fair, but it does keep going on. The days get lighter, and the sun gets brighter again.
Oh, in case you’re wondering, we aren’t actively trying for a baby, still just enjoying our time together. So no bump watch yet.
36 responses to “Dear Baby”
I am so sorry for you loss. You are not long winded at all. The best thing is to let your feelings out, never ever hold it in or it will eat you up.
Unfortunatly I understand all to well. I had two babies die at birth, both full term and for differnt reasons. Even though it was many years ago I still morn the loss of my son and daughter.
It’s astounding the strength you have to scrape together to get through it all. Before this, I didn’t know what I would do if it ever happened to me and right now, as I hear your story I can’t imagine being thrown in that situation either, but we get through it because we have to. We love, we hurt, and we survive. Thank you for the encouragement! :)
I love you sweetie, as I sit here crying and barely able to see. Thanks for putting your thoughts in print, I knew they were in there and needed to come out. I will love you always, and I will be there at the births of your future babies! You are awesome!!! And, so LOVED!!!!
There aren’t enough words to say how much it meant for you to be there with me that day. Thank you.
cathy is right – it’s good to let your feelings out into the universe.
no – you’ll never forget – but not keeping it locked up inside will help you to heal.
thinking of you.
hugz, cheryl xox.
Thanks so much Cheryl. As of lately, it hadn’t been as heavy as it had when it was still fresh, but I can say that getting those words out there mean they aren’t running circles inside my head. It’s a calmness and clarity that is much welcomed.
Gloria, I can only imagine how difficult this blog post was to write. I can’t tell you that I have been through this and understand your pain. I can only imagine. I’ll be praying for you as you sort through it all. I know we’ve never met but I feel like we are kindred spirits just through blogging! Thanks for your honesty!
Thanks Kristin, I feel the same. Writing this out, has really lifted the guilt off of my shoulders. So as uncomfortable as it was to get it all out there, it is certainly worth it for the healing aspect!
That was heartbreaking and beautiful- thank you for your honesty and sharing your story.
I’m so sorry for your loss. We’ve been trying to get pregnant for 5 years. I’ve never had a loss and have never experienced what it would feel like to be pregnant. I may never get that, but I do hope to carry a little baby in my arms one day and feel that love.
Even though our situations aren’t exactly the same, there is still a hollowness and longing that comes from wanting see that sweet little baby and toothless smile right in front of you. My heart breaks knowing the difficulties couples like you have to go through. I remember feeling so betrayed by my body that it didn’t give me what I wanted. Each day is a new day that brings new hope.
Such an awful pain deep within that you just can’t seem to comfort.
This I know all too well- best wishes and blessings to you..
It is such a deep ache, but I’m so thankful for TIME, it helps to soften the hurt. I look forward to the future!
Gloria, this was incredibly poignant and the timing for me to read it is unbelievable as I just walked back into my home after having coffee with my high school best friend and she told me tonight about two children she’d lost. I never realized that she’d been through that tragedy. So reading your story compounded the heaviness in my heart as I left her this evening. I will not attempt to find words of comfort that will resound cliche’, but I will tell you how eloquently you described that feeling of motherhood…for it is just so. After the birth of my first child I recognized that very feeling…that leaves you emotionally vulnerable for the rest of your life…and indeed even though you didn’t get to hold your precious child in your arms you are and will forever have been changed because you are a Mom.
Such sweet words, thank you. Your affirmation of my parenthood make me teary! I so badly wish that this was a rare thing, and that not near as many couples have to deal with it. Talking helps. For you to be an ear to your friend’s sadness does so much to lift the weight.
you are such a beautiful loving giving wonderful daughter n love……you are loved soooo much!!!!!
beautifully expressed and felt!!
My favorite part is “Just because we don’t have a child in our arms, doesn’t mean we aren’t parents.” That is so so true! I feel like a parent in many ways but I have never been pregnant and don’t have any children.
What a brave outpouring of words! Beautifully written and completely authentic. I would hug you if I were there with you! :)
Oh thank you so much Skye!
I will have her over for lunch today, and give her LOTS of HUGS for everyone.
–Mom (the one who supplies her with projects, books, furniture, LOVE, food, etc. Although the apron strings are cut, the heart strings still get pulled. :-)
Oh Gloria. I have tears in my eyes. I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through, but I felt such a sense of your loss when you shared that the baby would have been 6 months by now. This has to be such a tough thing for you guys. :( What a comfort, though, knowing that you have the promise of seeing your baby someday in heaven, and that he or she is right now with the very best Daddy of them all!
Virtual hugs and real prayers coming your way! You’re so brave for sharing this, and I am so certain that God will make sure the people He wants to be comforted by your story will find this little page of the internet.
Thank you so much Erin! I’ve read my post enough times now that I can read it all through without getting teary. The HARDEST part for me was wondering what my baby thought of me in Heaven. I know there is no sadness there, but it’s such an earthly natural emotion here that I felt like I needed to address it directly. That was exactly what I needed to do to not “carry this burden” anymore. I feel so much better now.
I really wanted to be open about it because it helped me so much reading the stories of others, that it was okay to be overwhelmed with sadness and feeling guilty, but that you GET THROUGH IT. That in part, is why I waited over a year to share. It really does take me a long time to understand exactly what I’m feeling and I don’t like to just blab.
God IS good and true….what a great reminder. So sorry you had to deal with all of this heartache. Praying for God to smile a little brighter on your day.
Thank you. It is great that people now can talk about these terrible losses as it was not allowed years ago. Now I can talk about them and not cry. It took many years. But then I was told to just get over it. Thank goodness that it not being told to you. It should never be told to anyone at any time that they have a loss. A good thing that the dark ages are over. Time does help.
I hurt so much when I know others hurt, I feel it so deeply. I don’t understand how people can be so cold! I do realize that things are MUCH different now than they were in the past and I am SO thankful for that. I hope that doctors become more sympathetic to the women this happens to. Just because they may see this happen regularly, doesn’t mean that we are well equipped to handle it. My obgyn had only kind, comforting words to say, but the ER doc I first went to made me feel like I was wasting time. He even asked if I was SURE I was pregnant. Don’t EVEN get me started! So if that’s what it was like for me now, I can’t even imagine the past. I shudder.
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Gloria- i was unaware of your loss. I am so sorry. I so understand…you are right that the child you never got to hold, you will always hold in your heart. Right after my husband died a few weeks ago, one of my kids reminded me that he now has met that child we lost so many years ago. My son wants to believe that the little one is his big brother waiting for him in Heaven. Now that child can hang out with Dad until the rest of us join them. I will not forget the grief I felt at the time. Thank God you are letting us walk beside you and pray for you.
This was beautifully written! I’m glad your momma is offering up hugs for all of us!!
I have only started reading your blog just recently, and as I said in the other one it’s as if I know you personally. You have a gift with words, and rather someone knows you personally or doesn’t, you are able to share, rather it’s about your home or your innermost thoughts. You have this blog obviously for a reason and that’s for you but also for others. I have two grown daughters one almost 32 and one 25 so I have been a momma for awhile. Anyone who reads your beautiful words can tell what a wonderful momma one day you’ll be.
Thank you Tyrene. I know that I’ve been affected deeply by reading the experiences of others so I hope that my own story can help others too. So glad you left your sweet comment!
It’s so important that women come out and talk about it. I know so many people that have gone through this and felt very alone. I’m so sorry that you had to go through this. When you need to let it out, we are all ears.
It’s odd that it is such a deeply isolating issue despite having plenty of people to lean on. Thanks for the encouraging words!
I’m so sorry for your loss. The truth is, that baby was someone special and individual and whether you carried him or her for a few weeks or a few months, you were attached and he or she was a part of you. So it’s always going to be okay to mourn, a year later or ten years later or forever. If you decide to have more babies, you’re going to be an incredible mama!
Well said Gloria. I too just went through this at the end of July (after trying for a year and a half) but of this year. It is hearbreaking. I love this post.
Oh, duh, I just loged into my blog and saw your comment from 9/8/11. You’re a sweetheart and I thank you for the kind words. Again, I am so glad you wrote this post. . .
oh, no worries! It is so tough, but it doesn’t always feel so heavy. I just hope things start getting easier for you.