I’m the kind of person who feels emotions very deeply, but rarely shows them. It almost always takes me a few days to “sort through” my emotions to figure out exactly what I’m feeling. This time, it was a little more complex.
At the end of July last year, Caleb and I found out we were pregnant then shortly later in August we miscarried. It was difficult then and less difficult now, but it doesn’t mean it’s easy. There were a lot of emotions involved and some that never really go away. It’s a scar that fades, but still leaves a mark. Our pregnancy was a total surprise and I’m still not sure exactly how far along we were, likely 7 or 8 weeks… Enough for full on bloat and plenty of morning sickness. We only knew for a couple of weeks, and I remember one day just not feeling pregnant anymore. I was totally worried about it, so I took a test, waited FOREVER for it to churn out the result, then stared at that digital pee stick as it yelled at me NOT PREGNANT. I was heartbroken. How could a pee stick be so cruel? I felt like it was mocking me. It might as well have been shouting at me with a megaphone directly in my ear, “YOU’RE NOT PREGNANT!” I guess there isn’t a gentle way to say that you’re not having a baby anymore. It stings. A lot.
It all happened so fast, but once that can gets opened, some things can’t be put back into place. It’s the love of a parent, when you know you are responsible for the life of another, there is an unconditional love placed in your heart. It’s an entirely new set of emotions, and you realize you didn’t think you could feel so deeply for someone. I’ve always heard parents say stuff like, “you really don’t know until you have your own kid” and it’s true. While I never got to experience the fullness of it, I got a taste of it. It’s like when I found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and the first thought of losing him was so catastrophically devastating that I almost cried right there on the spot, then I realized… I’ve never loved anyone so deeply, I didn’t KNOW I could love someone so deeply.
Sometimes I felt guilty for feeling so emotional knowing that it’s not that uncommon or plenty of other women have been through the same thing or we weren’t THAT far along or people have suffered a lot worse. It’s funny the role guilt plays and the mind games it put on us. It’s okay to cry and be sad.
Going through this, I knew this wasn’t something that God did. I don’t understand why so many people choose to blame Him for the bad things. He wasn’t “teaching me a lesson” and He didn’t “need another angel in heaven”. Bad things in life just happen. They do. It’s through all of these bad things that we have to recognize that God is good and true and not out to get us. We have to CHOOSE Him.
I very much believe I have a baby in Heaven, and I can’t wait to meet my little baby. A lot of times all I can picture is my baby up in Heaven wondering if I even think about it, there’s that guilt again. I decided to write a letter to my unborn baby as a way to come to terms with it all.
I miss you. A lot. There is no way around it, I miss you. Our time together was cut way too short. When you were with me, I was happy. So happy. Your daddy and I were so scared and excited but we vowed to be the best parents you could have ever asked for because you deserve it. We still try.
Even though its been a year, I think about you often. You would be six months old now. We should be giggling together, strolling through the neighborhood together, crying together and getting up at all hours of the night together. Mostly, we should be together. I hope you know that’s what I wanted, to be with you. When you were gone, I wasn’t relieved, I was devastated. I was ready to conquer the world with you. I miss you.
I feel so guilty that I didn’t give you a name. I didn’t know if you were a boy or girl. I only knew you as my love. Maybe I should have started this out as “Dear Love”. That’s what you were to me, a love I had never felt before. And I don’t know what to do with it since you aren’t here.
Nothing could ever replace you. Even if we had five hundred kids, I could never forget you. There is a piece of my heart that is yours, it will always be yours and nothing tangible or audible can ever fill it. I will never hold your hand, I will never hear your laugh or cry, but I will always love you. Always.
I realize I’m being a bit long winded, but its been a jumble of thoughts and emotions this the past year that I just needed to get out. I can’t pretend like it never happened, because it did. Nothing can change that and I’m sure there are plenty of other women out there who can’t “just forget it” either.
Please remember all of us mamas out there! Just because we don’t have a child in our arms, doesn’t mean we aren’t parents. I wish I could hug each and every person who has ever had to deal with this also. Life is not always fair, but it does keep going on. The days get lighter, and the sun gets brighter again.
Oh, in case you’re wondering, we aren’t actively trying for a baby, still just enjoying our time together. So no bump watch yet.